You Prefer the Fake Me? Erm, Okay...

Recently I've had a lot of free time to think about things. Especially yesterday. We had an 'enrichment' day at school, meaning we were assigned activities we had to participate in. I was lucky enough to be given 'World War One Memorial Mural' along with four of my friends. It was an all-day activity, so that meant we had just over five hours of painting throughout the course of the day.

The murals had already been stenciled out, so we only had to paint them. I say only. We only just finished on time, and there were either eleven or twelve of us around the mural at all times. We chose one that was part of Winston Churchill's speech on a grey 'stone' background, and it had poppies around the edges. It looks fantastic now, except I don't have pictures to show, maybe in the future!

I set myself the task of helping to paint the background, which was a lot trickier than I anticipated. Myself and, I think, one of my friends had to sponge paint between the words and letters and avoid them completely, as someone had rather unwisely already painted them already. This took the entire time to complete, and was such boring work. I kept asking for help and luckily one or two of the other girls joined in, otherwise we never would have finished it.

This time spent painting was soulless, and the boredom near killed me. Don't get me wrong, it was sort of relaxing at the same time, especially in the beginning when we weren't rushing to finish it, and I love painting. But once the pressure was on, I started to get a little stressed out. At one point I was the only one painting the grey background. (This was when I kept asking for more help).

This is how I am. I get super stressed about the smallest of things, and 'the real me' was starting to show, maybe for the first time, at school. I could feel this and thought about keeping it in, but maybe I should have. I started to get the way I am around Hannah (who doesn't attend my school), which is more carefree but very stressy. Oh, how wise I was to let the real side of me out. *sigh*

At lunch, all of my so-called 'friends' decided that it would be a good idea to whisper to each other about me and bitch about how 'bossy' I had been earlier. I felt like walking off to sit with a group of girls I talk to in class. I felt so hurt. I know that I'm the least 'liked' in our friendship group, so normally I just sit there quietly and nothing is said about or to me. It's kind of nice, to be able to think things over like this.

That's the persona I put on when I'm at school. Quiet, studious and minding my own business. I had a lot of time to think yesterday, as I've said, and I came to the conclusion that everyone I know at school seems to prefer the persona I put on, the 'fake' me to the person I really am.

And that hurts quite a bit, actually.

The people I call my friends actually know nothing about me, and don't seem to care about this. Wow, my chest feels a little bit lighter now. I do have a couple of people I can talk to and who care, but it just feels nice to write this all out and clear my head a little. And I can rest knowing that none of these not-so-nice girls aren't going to be reading this anytime soon.